fifromlondon

I need a really hard slap across the face or a kick up the arse!

Then you need to shout at me “STOP!! Stop eating crap, Fi!!”

I have done well so far (only with the help of my buddies and team - thank you Elements!) I need to keep it going. Sitting down, feeling sad, missing my baby daughter is fine. But shovelling cake, chocolate, cheese, bread in my mouth isn’t. Even while I’m doing it, I’m thinking “I don’t want this, I’m not hungry, actually I feel sick” It doesn’t stop me though. I’m not a stupid woman, so I don’t understand how I just can’t put the food down. I have even bolted the crap food down really really quick, just to get it over and done with. I don’t understand myself sometimes.

Kicks, slaps, shouting, screaming, bring them on! I need shaking and a good talking to!

This is the only thing I can think of to try to snap out of it, writing it down here. It has only been two days, so I can still turn it around. I can, can’t I?

Thanks for reading guys!

♥Fi.

It’s been a rough few weeks and months. I know it will get better, slowly, eventually…

 In the past I would have used this time as an excuse to sit, and think, and eat, and eat! Not any more! I will think about things and feel sad, angry, happy, grateful, confused, strong, weak, and so many more feelings. All of these feelings could be (and have been in the past) an excuse to eat. I am not going to do that anymore. The feelings pass, but the calories and inches stick.

I feel like I need to look forward and be stricter with myself, for my own good. No one else is going to lose my weight for me. No one else is going to improve my fitness. It is down to me. And I can do it. The good thing is, I am not alone. I know there are wonderful people here who are ready to sympathise, empathise, suggest things and help me, but who will still kick my arse if I think about giving up!! Thank you guys!

Here’s to new starts, good buddies and feeling strong (even when you feel weak!)

I have nowhere to write this down, but here. So I am going to use this blog to just write my feelings down. It will have nothing to do with weight loss, but everything, good or bad, affects our motivation and our emotional and mental health. So I figure everything does affect out weight loss or gain.

 Some of you will know I lost a baby earlier this month. All the chromosomal and genetic results are now in and I am feeling like I don’t know what to do next. I had an appointment with a counsellor yesterday, and I felt good afterwards. Today I feel awful. I don’t want to write all this in my team’s thread (we are all really positive and upbeat at the moment, and I don’t want to ruin it!)

So the final report I will get from the hospital will show that I lost my daughter, a beautiful little girl we have named Amy Sophia, to Trisomy 13. She didn’t have cystic fibrosis, like her older brother.

All we wanted after losing the last baby (an ectopic pregnancy which ruptured) was a healthy child. I have one tube left, and an increased risk of a future ectopic. When we found out that the baby had made it to the right place (from my right ovary which has no tube, down my left tube), we were overjoyed! A miracle baby! All we wanted now was for the baby to not have CF, and it turned out she didn’t. And a girl, after three boys was so wonderful! But she had Trisomy 13, Patau’s syndrome, and we lost her. It just seems so unfair. It was bad luck, they say. It happens sometimes, and we don’t really know why. I’m fed up with bad luck.

I do know people suffer so much more bad luck, and awful things happen to very good people. I do know I am lucky to have my three boys, and I know of so many friends, wonderful people, who are trying so hard to have even one child. I try to count my blessings, I really do. I just miss my little girl so much.

I have somewhere to go, a memorial garden where her ashes are. I want to remember her, and I want people to know she existed, and she was loved and wanted and missed, so much.

 Amy Sophia - Mummy, Daddy and your big brothers miss you and love you.

♥

I am back on the weight loss journey.

 I lost my baby a week ago, at 14 weeks, to Trisomy 13, Patau’s Syndrome. I feel like sitting under a blanket eating rubbish, and it would be so easy to do that. However, I really need to think about my physical, emotional and mental health. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach (not physically, I am in no pain) and want to shut down and hide myself away. I think I need to try to stop these feelings now, start walking, eating right, and relying on this wonderful site and my buddies.

I hope every day gets a little easier, and I carry on losing weight.

Thank you everyone, for being positive, supportive and helpful. And to my buddies for just being there. You are wonderful. x

 ♥ Fi

It is very early days, and I’m scared to type it, but here goes:  I’m pregnant!

After trying so hard for so long, I decided to lose some weight and get fit and forget about trying to conceive. As soon as I did that, it happened!

I went for an early scan today which showed a gestation sac in the right place. I was at high risk of another ectopic, so I was very relieved! I need to go back in 2 weeks for another scan to check for a heartbeat. I’m still scared, but the doctor today said he was very happy and everything looked as it should. He told me not to worry!!! (I’m not sure I can do that!) I even discovered I ovulated from my right ovary, which has no fallopian tube! The egg made its way over to the left side and went down that tube instead! Apparently that does happen in 15% of cases in women with only one tube!

So far I feel a little nauseous in the morning, and have discovered ginger and lemon tea! It’s lovely! I refuse to do the eating for two thing. I am going to carry on eating healthy food, lots of fruit and vegetables, lean protein, rice, pasta, potatoes… Not cakes, chocolate, chips and dips!! I had cut down on wine, now I have cut it out!!

I will carry on blogging, and chatting on the forum to my lovely Fitness Fanatics, and to everyone else!! I will even weigh in once in a while just to keep an eye on things. Hopefully, if everything goes well, I will need this place in the New Year to focus on shifting any extra weight I put on!

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

♥ Fi.

Part of my problem with weight gain was my portion control (there was no control!!)  I’d love a big meal, and eat until I felt really full up and needed to undo my jeans! I would dish up as much for myself as I would for my husband! (He would tend to finish mine, but there wasn’t a lot in it!)

 The last couple of weeks, I have never felt completely full (to the point of bursting). I have learnt, though, that I am much more comfortable when I have had just enough. I also learnt it is okay to feel hungry. I feel a bit hungry now! Before, I would have gone to the kitchen and got myself something, anything “because I am hungry”. Now, I’ll have a glass of water and a coffee and hang on until lunch (which will probably be in an hour and a half). Lunch will then be more enjoyable, and I’ll look forward to it.

 I’m not saying I am good all the time. Sometimes I will go and snack, or eat a bit too much, but generally I think there has been a change. I hope it is for good!

I had had a pretty good day today! Good food choices, loads of walking and some aerobic, sweaty stuff!!! Then I heard from a friend who was going through a pretty bad time. She has just had surgery for her second ectopic pregnancy, and is angry, frustrated, sad….

 I was going to hit the chocolate and cookies, but decided I’d have a glass of wine instead. I had two, fortunately that was all there was in the house!

I only know my friend because we suffered our ectopics and surgery at the same time, and, of course, this brought a lot of feelings back. Since then, November 2007, I put on 30 lbs. I have been obsessed with conceiving again, taking my temperature, ovulation predictor kits, etc., etc… since then, and my life has been on hold. It was only in the last month that I decided I needed to move on and look after myself. I also realised I have a lot to be grateful for. So I joined Buddyslim! I truly feel like my life is moving again, and I have made friends already here.

But today, I was right back to square one. What is the point? 

I will feel more positive tomorrow, and I know my fellow Fitness Fanatics will always cheer me up. I can’t let myself slip.

I typed this, I think, to get my feelings down. Now I don’t know whether to delete it all, or to hit ‘publish’. I think I will put it on my blog. I was worried that my blog was too positive! lol! I don’t think it is an accurate representation of me, or anyone, really. We are all positive sometimes, negative at other times. We all have issues and problems and feelings. I think I will leave this here for me to read, so I know it is okay. I know I can feel down and then pick myself up.

 If anyone has stuck with this and read it, thank you. I’m sorry if I have rambled on. 

Much love to everyone who is down or sad or feeling disheartened. I know we can all do it. I’m certain we can.

♥ ♥ ♥

Today is Tuesday. The sun is shining. The kids are back at school after their Easter break. I have exercised, and will do more later! My food intake, so far, is really good. I’m drinking my water. The only bad thing I’ve done is have a couple of coffees (but I need those!)

 I needed to write this down, so I can read it again when I’m not feeling quite so positive!

 I really think the sunshine helps. It is a lovely day in London, not too hot though, about 21C/70F. The other thing that helps is my buddies and team mates! I looked at a yummy pastry earlier, in the kitchen. I did think about eating half of it! (Only half the calories and fat!!) Then I remembered my goals for the week, and logged onto the forum instead! The old me would have eaten it, felt bad, and eaten the other half!

So three cheers for the sunshine and the Fanatics! (Especially the Black Team!! - sorry, couldn’t resist!) :)

♥ ♥ ♥

I feel so motivated whenever I log on. (Which is quite often!!) I’m sure this site is going to be the thing that works. I need it to! I think it is time!

I just have to read some of the blogs here and I feel:

motivated, positive, understood, understanding, thankful… so many emotions really! 

Thank you guys!

♥

Well, this is a first! Usually I tuck in to an enormous chocolate egg, or two!! This year my husband got me a couple of music CDs and a glossy magazine instead. He was still asking me last night if I was absolutely sure I didn’t want any chocolate!!

I’m going to have a coffee and a sit down with my music and magazine, and feel smug and healthy!!

Then it is roast lamb, roast potatoes, gravy, yorkshire puds (my lot would eat them with anything, so they aren’t saved just for roast beef) and vegetables, of course, loads of them for me!!!